Darkness and dawns

Is it truly darkest before the dawn?  Or is it just one more platitude, made up to try to get us through hard times?  I never gave it much thought until I lived here in rural southern Mexico and observed the sky at night.  When I find myself walking home at night, I sometimes pause in awe at the twinkling of the stars.  We grow up hearing about how stars twinkle, but I had never seen such an amazing display of rapid-fire colors in the sky until I moved here.

However, there is something that stops me in my tracks, and that is the innumerable amount of stars in the predawn hours. There are so many of them!  It is challenging to even make out major constellations among the many other brilliant points of light.  It seems to me that if I could hardly see any stars when I lived in a big city like Chicago due to all the light pollution, the sky truly must be darker at the times when I can see more stars.

Just after I had my super-challenging week (Every valley), I was stepping outside early one morning to start some laundry when a shooting star caught my eye.  And then another fell, and another - about every minute or two.  I stood there for ten minutes in absolute wonder at whatever meteorological event I was witnessing.  The highlight was when one streak of light broke into pieces to produce two trails side-by-side before disappearing.

Dawn was about an hour away, but the dark night that allowed the brilliant stars to be seen reminded me of what a hard week I had just been through - and how amazing of a week I was currently having.  Things were going so well, from planned events turning out better than ever expected to long shots receiving prompter positive results than I'd allowed myself to hope for.  It appeared that things can seem to be at their worst just before they are about to improve.

So, despite how trite old adages can seem in the midst hard times, I think it must be true that it is darkest just before the dawn.  But even though the moment just before dawn is the longest we will go without the light, we must continue to hold on to hope that the darkness is not forever.  The light is coming.

Photo from @Quadratinoaxaca of Hierve el Agua in Oaxaca.

"You brought all things into being and know the secrets of the furthest galaxies as well as those within the hidden universe of the human heart.  May we always hope in your faithful love, which surrounds us all our days.  Amen"

- from A Guide to Prayer for All Who Walk with God.

Every valley

It was Sunday night, and I had gone over to a friend's house to listen to an Advent sermon.  I poured myself some tea from the steaming kettle, and sat down at the table to watch the live-stream.  But right then I somehow knocked the mug on the table directly towards myself to receive a boiling hot dousing right in my lap.

Thankfully I was able to rush to the bathroom and hop into a cold stream of water in the shower before I was burned too badly.  Wrapped in a towel borrowed from the hall closet, I tried to continue on with the evening, undeterred.  But it was so strange an occurrence, and I couldn't work out in my mind how exactly it had happened - it was almost as if something was trying to get me down.

As the week progressed, it seemed to turn into a series of really big challenges designed to trip me up.  Come Thursday morning, I felt so weighed down.  Maybe it was some slight depression, maybe it was some spiritual warfare, but I couldn't seem to pull out of the negative thoughts I was dwelling on and the dread I had for some hard conversations yet to be had that week.

When I went outside for breakfast, I was surprised by a glorious sunrise. It made me smile because it felt like an encouragement from God.  And when I turned the corner to go to breakfast, there I saw a brilliant rainbow - which couldn't seem any more like a glorious gift from God.

Lots of people think the story ends there and it seems like it should.  I felt clearly that God had put hope in front of me - and yet, while those gifts registered in my mind, they had trouble sinking into my heart. It still felt burdened.

I got to breakfast in the dining hall, and I found I couldn't eat it because of my food allergies, so I walked back to my house to hang laundry on the line. I had planned on doing two loads, but someone else had taken my clothes out and started a load of their own. As I hung up my wet laundry piece by piece, I gave in to the disappointments and allowed the tears to come. 

Wanting to pull out of these continued negative thoughts, I decided to play some Christian music on my phone as I worked, to change my focus.  When I finished that task, I went to my house and climbed onto bed and cried more there. I'm very thankful that the message of the music eventually got through to me and my spirit began to feel lighter. The weight was lifted and I felt a calm come.  I was able to go on with my day and I even had a tough conversation right away that I had been dreading.  And it went really well!  So that was a huge boost too.

That very morning I had listened to a sermon about spiritual intelligence and renewing our minds.  The pastor mentioned that if the way to the new way of thinking is like a narrow footpath, the old way is like a six lane highway.  We will naturally take the easier way.  And honestly, it was easier for me to hold onto the control of hurt and worry, rather than to let go and allow hope and joy back in.  But it was so much better once I finally did.

That brought new meaning to my understanding of Isaiah 40 that morning:

In the wilderness prepare the way of the LORD, make straight in the desert a highway for our God.  Every valley shall be lifted up, and every mountain and hill be made low; the uneven ground shall become level, and the rough places a plain.  Then the glory of the LORD shall be revealed, and all the people shall see it together, for the mouth of the LORD has spoken.

May I continue to prepare the way of the LORD within me, may there be a straight highway and level place for my God.  Then the glory of the LORD shall be revealed.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Mt. 11:28-30

Leadings and changes

It was during the brief window of time in the afternoon when I am alone in the office, that one of the teenage girls came in, looking for the director of the home.  When I told her she was out, the girl asked if she could speak to me about something.  When people say they need to talk to me, it can mean anything from the very mundane things I don't really need to be a part of to the major things that set my world off-kilter for a while.  Lowering the screen of my computer and bracing myself, I said sure.

As she took a seat, she asked me, "Miss Laura, how do you know when God is speaking to you?"  Wow, well then... After raising my eyebrows in surprise, I paused a moment to gather my thoughts.  Interestingly, I had just listened to a podcast in which a pastor went over important points of what it meant to be Spirit led.  I managed to remember about half of them as I fumbled my way through my side of the conversation.

Then I questioned why she was asking.  She shared that, through messages from various pastors and leaders, she had sensed on three separate occasions that God was calling her to return to her family, to help take care of them.  She has not been without some major issues here at the home, and her family situation is not a real positive one either.  I commended her for being alert to how God might be leading her, and encouraged her to continue the conversation with the director of the home as well.

In the end, she decided to follow how she felt she was being led, and left the home in December to live with her family again.  She is not the only child who left the home at the end of the year.  One young man who has been praying for his mother to be released from prison was finally able to happily rejoin his family after her recent release.  And a single father, who had his three young children here at the home for years, has finally found enough stability in his life to have them rejoin him as well.

It is beautiful and a little frightening to see the children be able to return to their families.  Beautiful because God created families and designed us to live in them.  Frightening because we are no longer "in control" of their safety, their education, helping them towards and in their walk with God.  But recently I heard Craig Groschel share that, as a leader, you can have control or you can have growth - you cannot have both.  I think that can apply here as well, as we pray for growth for these kids and their families, knowing that God is faithful to complete the work He has begun in each of us.

If you are interested in the six points of being Spirit led that I heard from R.T. Kendall, they are as follows (based on the acronym PEACE):

• Providential - Does the door open, or do I have to knock it down?
• Enemy - What does the enemy say or want me to do?  Would the enemy encourage me to do something like that? 
• Authority - Is is biblical?  Is there anything in the Bible against it?
• Confidence - Does my confidence increase or diminish at the thought of doing this?
• Ease - Do I have peace about it?  What do I feel in my heart of hearts?

A call

October 23, 2018

Well, it has been an interesting few days.  Five, to be exact.  Crazy that it hasn’t even been a full week that I’ve been gone for the Annual Board Meeting in Baja.  Someone told me things are heavy at the home in Oaxaca.  I wonder what I’ll encounter there today.

At one point this weekend, as we stopped for lunch along the dusty highway.  The food in northern Mexico is actually remarkably different than in the southern part, and the tacos we were eating shot me back to a memory of when I was sitting at a taco stand with my high school youth group, eating food that was so delicious and foreign to me at the time.

And here I was now, everything feeling so natural as I sat at a table with the board of the organization I’ve worked with for five years – having flown from one part of Mexico to another to be there.  High school me had no idea that in nearly 20 years I’d be in this place.

“By faith Abraham obeyed when he was called to go out…”

Thank You, Lord, for forming me up in such a way that I obeyed when I was called to go out.  Help me continue to hear Your call and to obey.

The storm

October 9, 2018

Yesterday we sat in an attorney’s office for two hours, finding out that someone who previously did harm to the home is trying to clear his name.   Seriously, challenges seem to come in spades in October.

But I’ve decided that instead of dreading what October might bring us, we should begin to look forward to seeing the ways God will work in the midst of the trouble.

Yesterday seeing the rainstorm coming over the mountains almost seemed like a threatening reminder of the dark cloud over the start of the day.  But then the hours of rain that came with it seemed like a hopeful promise.

May we not fear the storm, but look forward to the ways God will work and the blessings He has in store.

Doubt

October 6, 2018

“…So Peter got out of the boat, started walking on the water, and came towards Jesus.  But when he noticed the strong wind, he became frightened, and beginning to sink, he cried out, ‘Lord, save me!’”

Yesterday I was so frustrated by many things as I headed to Oaxaca.  Frustrated by people, by situations, by myself.  I even got into a tiff with the person riding in the car with me over something that was so trivial.  But as we approached the nearest town, I gained perspective.  I realized that it is October, and things often seem set against us this time of year.

I calmed down and explained to the person with me the other things that were on my mind.  It helped a lot for me to diffuse the anger building up in me, and seemed to help the situation a lot.  We both seemed in a pleasant mood after that.

“Jesus immediately reached out his hand, and caught him, saying to him, ‘You of little faith, why did you doubt?’”

Joy

October 3, 2018

“Joy does not come from positive predictions about the state of the world.  It does not depend on the ups and downs of the circumstances of our lives.  Joy is based on the spiritual knowledge that, while the world in which we live is shrouded in darkness, God has overcome the world…  The surprise is not that, unexpectedly things turn out better than expected.  No, the real surprise is that God’s light is more real than all the darkness, that God’s truth is more powerful than all the human lies, that God’s love is stronger than death.” Henri Nouwen

Sufficient

September 16,2018

The Independence Day Party yesterday was not well planned and organized, but it was such a great celebration full of life and energy.  So many outside guests came – family of the kids, other pastors, what looked to be school friends of the kids.  In a way, it’s like life is returning to the home.

My mind does cast a glancing worry at what mischievous kids could’ve snuck away and done in all the chaos.  But my visit home to Colorado really did wonders for my heart to realize that I don’t have to try to control every situation, to trust that things not going just the way I think they should is OK.  It’s very nice.

This morning I ended up just sitting completely still for over an hour.  Must’ve been what I needed to recharge my introvert batteries after the three-hour madness of last night.  But then I got to reading the key scriptures in the next chapter of The Newness Advantage by Graham Cooke.  Once again just that deeply moved my heart and already opened my mind to new things.

I wish I had time to write about each one, but for now I will say that I’m left realizing that any measure of faith and abilities I have is by the grace of God.  And if anyone has more or less than me, that is by His divine wisdom.  I also am impacted by Paul delighting in hardships and struggles because when he is weak God is strong.  When I feel insufficient in this place, as I often do, I can rest easy remembering that that is a-ok because God is abundantly sufficient.

My strength and my might

September 3, 2018

Monday, Monday.  It keeps coming to mind how crazy it is that I am in the role I’m in – almost in a discouraging way because I feel inadequate to the task.  Perhaps, in a way, that is good – a reminder that it is not by my might.  But I must take care that it not make me discouraged and afraid.

September 4, 2018

My mind continues to turn lately to how inadequate I am/feel for the position I’m in.

September 5, 2018

Staff meeting over – phew.  I do not love those.  But it was interesting – yesterday I was questioning who I am to be in this role.  Then one of the mountain missionaries felt led to pray for me after our leadership video, a veteran staff member thanked me in our WhatsApp text group for the activity we did in the meeting, and the new couple on staff sent me a message before bed thanking me for making them feel welcome.

It was very encouraging – the idea that in a time of discouragement people were prompted to encourage me.  I’m thankful for that, and for other ways I can see the Lord moving in life here.

“You will say in that day: I will give thanks to you, O LORD, for though you were angry with me, your anger turned away and you comforted me.  Surely God is my salvation; I will trust, and will not be afraid, for the LORD God is my strength and my might, he has become my salvation.”  Isaiah 12:1-2

Around the river bend

August 24, 2018

I sit beside the river in Golden once more before my departure tomorrow.  I sat here for half an hour before doing anything – just allowing thoughts to come and go as I stare into the waters and at the light coming through the trees and at the bugs dancing in the air above the turbulent waters.

One of my first thoughts was of how the bumpy waters flow into a calm patch to the right of me – and how this time of rest is like the calm bit – waves gently lapping the shore.  Then I audibly said, “Oh no!” as I realized the waters then speed up and head over rocks and boulders in a rush.  What is to come?

I remember on my first day here an tuber saying, “We’re gonna die!” as they headed over the edge.  I chuckled at the time at his exaggeration.  But now I wonder if a time of great difficulty is coming where I might feel the same way.

And then I notice the waters grow calm again beyond the mini-falls.  That certainly brings hope and peace to consider.  And then I notice light flickering in reflection on the trees above me – light that is currently flickering on my face.  I trace it to a place right beside the precipice, a place where the waters are super calm.  And I am reminded that even in the troubling times, God can pull us away to calm and restore us.

But there is another pool of water right near me that I am noticing as well.  The waters there are very still.  So still that they don’t look fresh, but instead rather stagnate.  Trash from the river (leaves and twigs) have collected there and I wonder if it is a breeding place for mosquitoes.  I suppose we cannot be permanently still.  We must continue moving on down the way – to things beyond our sight around the river bend.

It has been strange, looking at pictures from Oaxaca.  I feel like I’m looking at someone else’s life.  Things I posted that seemed so natural at the time, now seem so foreign looking at them from here.  I’m glad I’ve been able to disconnect from work so completely.  I’m glad for the moments of stillness I’ve been able to find.  I’m  glad for the ways the Lord has filled my heart.  I thirst for more.

But I think it’s time for the river to flow on for me.  What towards?  Now I wonder more than before.  But I can’t stay here or I think I’ll grow stagnate.  Not that I can never return – but I’d want to do it with the Lord’s guidance.

Be still my soul, the Lord is on thy side

Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain

Leave to thy God to order and provide

In every change, he faithful will remain

When peace like a river attendeth my way

When sorrows as sea billows roll

Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say

It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Bless the Lord, oh my soul, and all that is within me, bless His Holy Name

Be well

August 22,2018

It is a chilly mid-August day and I sit beside the rushing waters of Clear Creek in Golden.  I have been home for nine days now and have not had a lot of opportunity to be still – the very thing that was the desire and call of my heart in taking this trip. 

I hurt and I’m worried.  I’m worried that I desperately needed this rest in order to be well and better as I got back, and I’ve been too busy to get any better.  Even now tears fall down my face onto the boulder beneath me.

But I’m also receiving the thought that my healing is not in my own hands, but in God’s.  He will do the work of restoration in me.  I do need to do the be still part, but He can work in mighty ways in His time – three days or two weeks or whatever.  He is mighty to save.

“Show, then, your wound to the Physician that [God] may heal it.  Though you show it not, [God] knows it, but waits to hear your voice.  Do away your scars by tears.  Thus did that woman in the Gospel, and wiped out the stench of her sin; thus did she wash away her fault when washing the feet of Jesus with her tears.” Saint Ambrose

“Take heart daughter, your faith has made you well.” Jesus J Matthew 9:22

Love anyway

July 31, 2018

Last night I was listening to a podcast (that’s my new thing, apparently) of Jeremy Courtney.  He is a man who lives with his family in the Middle East with his organization, Preemptive Love.  The podcast was called “The World is a Scary Place, Love Anyway.”

In it, he brought up truly fleshing out our fears to find out what is at the root.  For example, letting in refugees.  The true fear under all the layers may be fear of death or fear of loss of control (and therefore if our hope is in Christ, why would we fear death?  and if our trust is in God, why do we fear not being in control?)

What he said next though really struck me – that we need to also then ask the question on the other side, “What if we don’t let in the refuges?”

A verse this morning reminded me of all this:

“Be careful that you do not entertain a mean thought, thinking, ‘The seventh year, the year of remission, is near,’ and therefore view your needy neighbor with hostility and give nothing; your neighbor might cry out to the LORD against you, and you would incur guilt.  Give liberally and be ungrudging when  you do so…” Deuteronomy 15:9-10a

“It’s a dreadful thing to have the cry of the poor against us, for God has his ear open to that cry, and, in compassion to them, will be sure to reckon with those that deal hardly with them.” Matthew Henry

Get closer

After a brief hiatus, the teenage girls and I have resumed our "Once Upon a Time" Friday night viewings.  A new development is that, after a crack down on behavior last month, a lot of them have been making better decisions (that we know of 😉) and were all able to come to my house - which made for a very full house!

One thing these girls do every time they come over is that they always wash their dishes before they go.  Impressive, eh?  However, come morning when I would go to put the dishes away, I would always end up putting half of them back in the sink because they hadn't been washed well.  Whether it was brownie bits or hot sauce, there were always dishes that I would have to rewash.  Were they bad at washing dishes?  Were they lazy?  What was the problem?

Then one evening I washed my dish right after they left and realized something.  It was so dark in the kitchen that I couldn't see if I had gotten the dish clean or not.  So, I turned on the light and washed my dish (which, in fact, was still dirty).  The next week when the girls came over, I turned on the kitchen light when they washed their dishes, and guess what... the dishes were a lot cleaner the next day!

I took a step closer to the problem, and my perspective changed.  And the solution I found addressed the issue without nagging the girls for something it turned out they didn't have a lot of control over.  In leadership I've found this to be true as well.  When people doing something that is frustrating to me or I don't agree with, I can complain and wonder about it all day long - but when I finally take a step closer and simply ask them about what's happening, my perspective often shifts dramatically.

It was interesting a few weeks ago when border issues were a hot topic, I happened to be taking a trip that led me across the border.  I thought, man, what will I encounter?  And was surprised by the ease and lack of tension I found there.  I'm not saying it was problem-free, and there was probably a lot I wasn't able to observe, but I was able to take a step closer and get a different perspective.

When we are deep in a situation, it can be good advice to take a step back to see the bigger picture.  But I think maybe these days when we are bombarded by loads of information and opinions on so many wide-ranging things, it can be good to do what you can to take a step closer.  It won't be about finding out who's "right" and who's "wrong", but just shifting your perspective to see what else there is to be seen and hopefully learning something new along the way.

Who shook you up?

Today I was opening a Sprite bottle, and it started to fizz up, so I closed it, waited a few seconds and tried again.  It fizzed up again, I closed it, waited a few seconds, and tried again.  This bottle seemed ready to explode on me with every attempt, and finally I said to it, "Who shook you up?" (you get to talk to objects sometimes when you live alone 😉).

"Who shook you up?"  In working with kids in foster care in the States and kids in the children's home here in Mexico, I have been reminded that we are trying to bring healing to wounds we did not inflict.  People in these kids lives have done major damage, and we are trying to put the pieces back together.  Someone shook them up and we are slowly trying to open them up, with pressure building and threatening to explode from time to time.

Tonight I decided I needed to stop planning on taking better care of myself, and start doing it.  My sister is preparing for a marathon, I can at least go for a walk.  The thing is, when you live where you work, work tries to creep in wherever you go.  I think that's part of why I've become so sequestered in my house when "off duty," but that is not great either.  So, I went out into the surprisingly chilly evening air and began to walk.

On lap two around the home, I got a phone call from the teenage girls' housemother.  She was about 15 feet away from me, so I just silenced the call and walked over to her.  After dealing with what she needed, I said hello to one of the teenage boys sitting by himself on the porch.  Months ago he was in a soccer accident and busted a tendon in his knee.  After hoping inactivity would help it heal, and that not happening, we're moving on towards surgery in about 10 days.

I told him he looked lonely there and asked him how he was doing.  He said so-so, in a way that you know "so-so" means "not so good".  I stepped closer, asking if he had someone to talk with about that.  He said no as his face contorted in controlled pain, but one or two rogue tears leaked out.

I asked if he'd like to share with me, so that I could be praying for him, and he said no.  I asked if I could pray for him right then, he said yes.  Afraid that he felt obligated to say yes, I told him he could say no, but he said yes again.

Instead of closing my eyes, I've begun to look at people when I pray for them.  It helps me to see them and pray for them more meaningfully - hopefully it doesn't creep them out...  As I prayed haltingly with my hand on his shoulder, uncertain what to say really, more tears ran down this young man's face.

I gave him an awkward side hug before leaving and let him know I'd continue to pray for him.  As I walked away, I wondered for a second time that evening, "Who/what shook you up?"  

I can imagine endless reasons why he is struggling right now, and I could be completely wrong on all of them.  Thank God He knows every factor in this young man's life right now, every thought, memory, decision and worry on his heart and mind.

As I finish my walk up, I am still wishing I had said more, done more.  But no matter what I can do, it cannot compare to the soul-mending God can do.  God can and may use me, but thank God He is the One who does the healing, and I pray that over this young man's life as I go to bed tonight.

Dead or alive?

The mountain community church had been damaged in the earthquake, and instead of working together to rebuild it, the people began to point fingers.  The congregants said the pastor should do it himself.  The pastor said the congregants should help.  When the congregants finally decided to help, the pastor said no, not anymore.  The congregants then decided that what they needed was a new pastor.

They called in other pastors to help them resolve the conflict, but as months went by, they had meeting after meeting to decide what to do about the damaged walls, and nothing was ever actually accomplished.  Recognizing that they needed more help, they asked a more mature and experienced pastor to come guide them in what to do.  He traveled to the region for their fourth meeting and sat with them inside the damaged building.

He began by saying that there are two types of Christians, those who talk and those who do.  And that's all he said.  He then stood up and walked over to one the damaged walls.  With his hands he began to chip away at the wall. Those present weren't sure what to make of it, until another man stood up and joined the pastor at the wall, tearing down what was damaged.  Soon everyone was involved, and before the end of the day, the damaged walls had been torn down and rebuilt.

When I heard this true story, I was moved by the wisdom of the pastor and the power of people setting aside their bickering to accomplish something together in love.  It is easy to see the error in the ways of the villagers, but challenging to see the same mistakes I am making in my own life.  May I stop talking about the change I would like to see, and start working towards it.

What good is it, my brothers, if someone says he has faith but does not have works? Can that faith save him? If a brother or sister is poorly clothed and lacking in daily food, and one of you says to them, “Go in peace, be warmed and filled,” without giving them the things needed for the body, what good is that? So also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead. James 2:14-17

7.2

Exhausted, I sit down at my kitchen table after a long day.  It's Friday and I've been sick all week.  With February's crazy weather, temperatures have begun to rise, the heat of the day has taken a toll as well.  I eat some microwaved leftovers and watch Netflix before the teenage girls come over for more of our series.  And then I notice the room is moving.

It doesn't take long to realize that this earthquake is a more powerful one.  When it doesn't end but grows stronger, I stand up and move to the middle of my apartment where it is safer.  The furniture and windows rattle and some leaning photos on my shelves fall down from the strong tremor, but nothing else does.  As the movement tapers off, I go to my room and put my shoes back on.  Looks like my week isn't quite over.

I walk over to the main building of the children's home where the kids live with their houseparents, checking on groups of people I find outside along the way.  My hands and my voice shake even as try to keep them steady.  It is chaos in the courtyard where everyone's running around excited in the adrenaline of the moment.  I ask the houseparents to make sure they know where all their kids are and ask the more mature teenagers to help us assess if there is any danger in their homes.

Nothing seems broken, no walls or ceilings seem more damaged.  I have contacted our executive director and my family, and received a phone call from a leader in the Baja Mission.  We are also getting messages on our group chat from staff reporting in that they are ok.  I am swarmed by children and teenagers as I take out my cell phone once again to check out if the magnitude has been posted online yet; later reports will set it as a 7.2.  By the time I finish with my checks around the houses, everyone has returned to what they were doing previously, and I make my way back to my apartment.

About an hour after that first quake, there is a strong aftershock.  Defying what we've been taught, people once again run outside.  I decide that before the teenage girls and I begin our evening together, I want to review the best place to be in my apartment during an earthquake - to avoid them all running down the stairs as they did once months ago.  We also put out a glass of water to be able to determine between our imaginations and actual aftershocks.

The water turns out to be unnecessary as our evening goes uninterrupted.  We make apple crisp and watch three more episodes of this addicting show we began a year ago.  We tell each other goodnight, wishing each other good sleep and hoping there are no further earthquakes.  I get ready for bed and am using the bathroom when another aftershock hits us.  Come on!  There are times when you begin to think, "You know what, I'll just take my chances with staying put." :)

Monday morning brings another rude awakening just after midnight, with a magnitude 6.0 aftershock.  Oddly, I woke up minutes before and so was already awake before this one.  It goes on long enough that I grab my shoes that I now keep beside my bed and go to stand in the hallway once again.  We get a message that all classes in Oaxaca will be canceled that day and our kids stay home, enjoying the extra time but also helping with tasks and projects around the house.

One week after the initial quake on Friday, the news will tell us that we have had 4,000 aftershocks - many imperceptible to us, but enough that you begin to wonder if you are really feeling movement or if it's just muscle memory playing tricks on your mind.  I never would've guessed that we'd be going through so many larger earthquakes, but things are wacky lately and it seems that the unexpected is the new normal.

And yet, even as we enter new and unknown times, I am reminded of the scripture that tells us, "what has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun." Ecc. 1:9  I am thankful for our safety thus far and will continually try to improve our readiness for future possibilities.

Judge not

Being the administrator of a children's home has taught me many things over the past year.  Things about God, things about myself, things about leadership, and things about living and working in a close community with others.

One of the outstanding lessons that comes from community living is one I actually heard about when I was a teenager.  It went something like this, "The things that bother you the most about other people are often things you do yourself."

Over the years I have reflected on that from time to time, trying to examine myself before getting too upset with others.  But this truth has never been made so clear to me as it has over the past year.

My role as administrator here has many facets, and one is to help resolve problems among the staff.  This means I have the joy of people coming to me to complain about one another.  It happens more often than I'd like, but I always try to take time to sit and listen and try to empathize with their situation.

Sometimes I advise people to seek out that person and try to resolve the issue in a healthy way.  Sometimes I ask them to pray for one another and do what I can to help as well, whether that means intervening or helping with perspective.  And sometimes I recognize that people don't need me to solve their problem, they just need someone to hear them.

But many times what happens is, I listen to what is bothering people, and I nod in understanding, and then a short while later it occurs to me that the complainer is doing exactly what they came to complain to me about.  In fact, quite often they are even more "guilty" than the one person they find issue with. 

Actually, it's uncanny how often people do what they complain about.  Other times it's just ridiculous.  How does this happen?  How are we so blind to what we ourselves do, but are so quick to judge our neighbor?

Hey, now.  That sounds familiar...

"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?  How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?  You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye." Mt 7:3-5

This small community living is challenging.  Add in serving together as well, and it can feel like walking through a minefield at times.  And yet, what a blessing it could be, if we took Jesus' words to heart.  If, when we see a brother or sister doing something we think is wrong, we pause long enough to examine ourselves before thinking we have the right to be the judge of them.

And when we do need to correct one another, how blessed it would be if we could do it in loving and healthy ways.  Speaking the truth in love Ep 4:15.  Building each other up, not tearing one another down 1Th 5:11.  We could be iron sharpening iron Pr. 27:17.

As the daughter of a geologist, I love the example of smooth stones. Whether they've been through a rushing river, pounding ocean waves, or a polishing rock tumbler, smooth stones are smooth because their rough parts have been knocked away by other hard rocks over time, leaving a pleasing softness to the stone.  I think community living done the right way could be like that, and we could become more beautiful together, rather than more bitter.

Complaining is easy.  Judging others is foolish.  "Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." Mt 7:1-2  Let us do the harder work of loving one another, and love each other well.

A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.

Jn 13:34-35

Don't worry

Soon after being made 'keeper of the keys', I bought this holder I saw at a local Christian bookstore.  It said what I needed to remember as this extra stress was added to my life, "Pray more, worry less."

I was working at a camp in college when I first began to consider God's perspective of our prayers.  My contemplation of the subject was sparked one day when a kitchen worker came to excitedly tell me about something amazing that had just happened to her.

That morning she had been very surprised to find the kitchen empty when she showed up to work.  Why was the door locked?  Where were the other workers?  Confusion turned to worry as she wondered what would happen when the kids started showing up for breakfast.

Panicking, she went to the head cook's door, waking him up with her pounding.  What were they going to do?  It was too late to prepare breakfast.  Still groggy, the cook made short time of reminding her that it was Friday.

On Fridays we never had breakfast in the dining hall.  Everyone already knew that.  Everyone.  The counselors always picked up cereal and milk to eat in their cabins.  This was the way it had been the entire summer.

There was actually never any real problem, except for her forgetting what day it was.  And yet, this is what my friend was amazed to see God working through.  Even after realizing that it was Friday and she had just made a mistake, she was still marveling at God and his mysterious ways.

...what?....

I didn't see any divine providence in it, still can't.  This was just the way things always had been.  I couldn't wrap my mind around how exactly God moved in all this.  However, I did begin to realize something I hadn't understood before - that sometimes we worry unnecessarily because we cannot see from God's perspective.

I've given thought to that now and then over the years, and was reminded of it again a few weeks ago.

There was a tough situation that I was made aware of here at the home.  It was unprecedented and uncomfortable and I didn't know what to expect.  Now, my typical response to stressful situations is to imagine and worry about the possible outcomes that might happen, almost always worst case scenarios.

I cannot remember a time when I wasn't this way.  In high school my favorite scripture became the verses in Matthew 6:25-34 on not worrying.  Loving these verses didn't mean I was suddenly free of worries.  It continued to be a very real struggle for me through the years and is still something I battle with.

But with this situation, after a short time of my obligatory worry session, it occurred to me that there was nothing I could do apart from calm my anxious thoughts down and pray.  A few days later, I went into our leadership meeting unsure of how the others would react, but trusting that God would work through it.  I just needed to do my part.

And as it turned out, one of the leaders was already aware of the situation, reacted well, others followed suit, and so far it has turned out to be a happy situation for everyone involved.  And I can't tell you how glad I am that I didn't waste my energies worrying about things that, in the end, never came to pass.

This year I began reading the Matthew Henry Commentary on the Whole Bible alongside of my daily scripture reading, and it has greatly enriched my experience of the Word.  Today I read of Joseph and his brothers, their hatred of him and eventual deception in selling him away and telling their father, Jacob, that his beloved son had surely been killed by wild animals.

Matthew Henry's reflection on Jacob's pain at this false report is this:

"...like Job, he hardened himself in sorrow.  Note... We must never say, 'We will go to our grave mourning,' because we know not what joyful days Providence my yet reserve for us... We often perplex ourselves with imaginary troubles.  We fancy things worse than they really are, and then afflict ourselves more than we need.  Sometimes there needs no more to comfort us than to undeceive us: it is good to hope the best."

This weekend I have been on guard duty here at the home.  And it has been two days filled with plenty of opportunity for worry.  Our ATM cards have expired and we have no way to get cash from that bank account.  There was a fire blazing next to the home on a windy evening, lighting up the mountain next to it.  The water pump stopped working before our church service as people were getting ready.  But because I had this in mind, I have done my best not to worry and just do what I can in each situation.  And it has made a world of difference.

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin.  Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.  If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith?  So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’  For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.  Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Friday Night In

It started back when the teenage girls didn’t have a housemother.  I wanted to help out, so I invited them over on the weekends to come watch a TV show at my house.  I didn’t know what I was getting myself into at the time, but I’ve begun to look forward to their crazy energy in my apartment nearly every Friday night since then.

We always make a special treat to go with the show - things like peanut butter cookies, cupcakes, chocolate chip cookies, and when all else fails, popcorn.  This go-around I thought we could be more ambitious and make a new recipe I found in the back of a book for "white velvet cutout cookies".  We have to chill the dough for 2 hours though, so I meet some of the girls at my house early to put the ingredients together.

Wanting to add an extra touch of sugar crystal sprinkles to decorate the cookies, I decide to drive to town in the between time to look for some.  As it turns out, sugar crystal sprinkles are impossible to find in town. :)  But it was worth a try.  So that the trip wasn't a total bust, I buy myself two thin slices of cake at a cafe by the market that my friend wanted to stop at for coffee.  Then we hurry back so I can make it home before the girls came over.

Last week I turned on team gymnastics while we got the brownies ready, and the girls watched in awe as the young women on TV athletically flew around and over those bars.  What a great opportunity to open their minds up to more of the world, I thought.  But tonight all I can find is tennis.  Though I know it won't been quite the hit that gymnastics was, I leave that on as I take a bite of my cake.  Minutes later I hear boisterous voices, pounding footsteps, and a series of knocks on my door.  The 14 teenage girls have arrived.

They come in shouting and playing rough with each other.  I remind them that that's not the way things are done in my apartment and they tone it down some.  We do what we can with wax paper on the counter covered in flour and a glass cup as a rolling pin.  While some help cut out the cookies, most of the girls find their favorite seats in the living room and make an attempt to watch the tennis match. 

One of them complains that it's boring and I counter by mentioning how hard it is, getting to the ball in time and not hitting it out of bounds.  Some of the girls nod in agreement and we watch for a minute until one of the players scores.  Then I switch the TV over to our series, admitting to them that tennis is actually not my favorite to watch. They laugh at my honesty.

Before I hit play, I pause to talk to them about how I see some biblical principals in the recent developments in the show.  They are used to that by now, as I try to squeeze in a reflection now and then for our edification.  This show, Once Upon a Time, actually has a lot of interesting ties to truths and moral issues that make good food for thought.  The teenage girls didn't have their normal devotional time this Friday because the person who was supposed to share cancelled on them.  After I finish my "sermon," I say, ok, that was your devotional for tonight.  They laugh with me again as we start the show.

We watch one episode, complete with their running commentary - which is as entertaining to me as the show on TV - and then I have them come over for popcorn and cookies - two each.  They politely form a line to the counter, and I tell them I don't have much salsa for the popcorn, so please do not make salsa soup this time around. :)  We watch another episode.  As it finishes, I announce that there are enough cookies for everyone to have two more and they rush the counter this time, some leaping over the couch to get there before the others.  Guess the new recipe was a hit.

We watch a third episode.  As it draws to an end, it is only 8:30, clearly too early to go to bed, so we watch one more.  I really don't know how we're ever going to get through this entire 6 season series if we don't binge watch it when we have the chance.  One young woman is too tired to stick with us, and I text the housemother to let her know she is heading back.  By the time the housemother responds to my text, the girl is already soundly asleep in bed.

We come to the end of the fourth episode of the evening, and the girls beg me for one more, claiming that 9:30 is too early to go to bed as well.  I tell them if I don't go to bed soon, I'll be as asleep as the queen on the show who wanted to put herself under a sleeping spell.  They know it's time to go, and gather their blankets and pillows before heading out the door with a "thank you!"  I send some cookies with them for their housemother, trusting they will arrive to their destination. :)

There are dishes piled by the sink, but thankfully they are clean because the girls always filter into the kitchen during the show to wash what they've used.  My living room is covered with pieces of popcorn and my chairs are stained with salsa, but I figure life is for living and if stains come from good fellowship, then they're worth it.  However, I'll leave cleaning it up for the morning.  I really am exhausted and need to sleep. 

Seeking God Together

We needed to make some changes on the staff.  Clearer thoughts often come in the mornings while I have my personal devotional time, and an idea occurred to me one day of how things might work out. I suggested moving one of the young men on staff into a certain role.  The leadership team was willing to give it a try and, though the young man was hesitant at first, in the end he agreed to do it.

And then it didn't work out so good... at all, really.  We were having similar problems as the ones we were dealing with before the change of staff.  And people, who before had approved of the change, were now speaking up to say that they knew it was never going to work.  "Why didn't you say something earlier?", I thought as I wanted to throw my hands up in frustration.

Not having other viable options, we had to move onward and try to make things work, correcting and supporting each other along the way.  But as we did that, I felt a conviction that God would work wonders in this young man if he would focus more on what we were asking of him.  I found peace in the belief that God had something He wanted to teach this young man and grow in him through this process.  Others seemed less convinced, but, like I said, we didn't have much choice in the matter.

After a few months, this young man shared during our staff morning devotions about his struggles with this new position.  He talked about how he constantly asked God who had the bright idea to put him in that role.  I felt like sinking down in my seat as I sat there listening, knowing it was mainly me and my conviction that it was what God wanted that had put him in that role.

But then he shared that just that past week God had answered his insistent plea by saying, "Me, it was my idea."  Wow!  The young man went on to share Bible passages that God was using to speak to him during this tough time, and one of them really touched my heart.  It was a scripture that encouraged my own weary soul, helping me want to continue to persevere in this challenging work even when negative thoughts continue to nag me to give up.

Lately I have been in wonder at the changes that can take place in a group of people who are seeking God together.  Tears spring to my eyes when I look around during our time of worship and see the people I work with and supervise with their hands raised in praise and brokenness before our God.  I have heard it said that as people seek God, they will find themselves drawing nearer to one another.  That is my hope and prayer for this place and this people.