Please forgive me

I know this family won't come to the staff retreat on their own, so I make a point of specially inviting them.  I start with the wife because I see her first, but she has an excuse at the ready of why they cannot participate.  The next day I hope that the husband can be convinced, but he fires excuses at me too.

I'm very disappointed.  Since he and I have worked on our relationship and try to be honest with one another, I find myself telling him, "I knew you wouldn't come, but I had hoped you might."  Unmoved in his decision, he leaves my office saying over his shoulder, "Next time!"  Yeah right, I think. I call after him, "I don't believe you!"

Oops.  Despite the fact that what I said was true to how I felt, that was not a mature way for me to go about it.  After a minute or two of considering what damage I have just done - shouting something unhelpful at someone's back - I decide the best way to restore the relationship is to go apologize face to face.

I can't find him, and his wife tells me he is driving to town.  To not interrupt his driving with a phone call, I send a text: "I want to apologize for the way I spoke to you when you were leaving the office.  That was immature on my part and I ask your forgiveness".  Texting an apology is not the best option, but I don't want the moment to slip away from me.

I also go to the office next door and apologize to the accountant for the way I acted in front of her (because in this small office, there's no way she didn't hear our conversation).  Later that night I have a chance to confirm my apology in person and he pats me on the shoulder with a smile and says that there are no problems between us.

As a kid, I struggled with apologies.  My sister was a great example for me in this area, as she would always be the first to say "I'm sorry" when we'd had a fight.  I also knew that, for me, excuses ruined apologies. An "I'm sorry, but..." always left me feeling like the person was laying the blame someplace else - often back on me.

We had a conference over a year ago where the speaker gave us a clear guide how to ask for forgiveness.  Here are his steps:

1. Gather everyone involved.
2. Avoid pretexts (sorry but...).
3. Specifically admit (call the sin by its name).
4. Recognize the damage/harm (I know I hurt you. Forgive me.)
5. Accept the consequences.
6. Change your behavior.

There's always room for improvement, and I have a ways to go, but I believe this list has helped me a great deal since then.  Accepting apologies is another matter, perhaps of even greater importance due to Jesus' clear words in Matthew 6:15.  But that is a post for another time.

P.S. In the end, they did come to the staff retreat.  Hurray! :)

How good and pleasant it is when God’s people live together in unity!

Psalm 133:1